matilda : 19
archive of what is and once was.
“I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.”
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
No, you aren't "behind in life".
But, it's okay to grieve the time you spent surviving. The time spent trying to figure out what was wrong. The time spent healing to become a person again.
It wasn't your fault.
I think I keep waiting to start. There's a lot of books, recipes, changes, movies, etc that I want to be giving time and energy to but I have been feeling in a rut and like something needs to kick start it and that's such a trap! The time is always now. It's always start today. It's so easy to fall into waiting...
not to sound like a victorian woman suffering from hysteria but i do think going to the sea would fix me
“However bad life is, what’s important is to make something interesting out of it. And that has a lot to do with the physical world, with looking at stuff, snow and light and the smell of your screen door and whatever constitutes your phenomenal existence from moment to moment. How consoling—that this stuff goes on and that you can keep thinking about it and making that into something on the page.”
— Anne Carson explains an idea that she and Alice Munro have in common (attachment to the physical world and the details in life), from The Art of Poetry No. 88, Paris Review (via podencos)
reframing "is it weird to do this" as "is it harmful to do this" has helped my mental health a lot. some things I do or say may be weird but as long as i'm not hurting anyone it's not something concerning.
I was going through some of my notes, and at the top of one page it says, Lean into the discomfort of the work. This was written in the context of the work being done within my career field, but I find it to be applicable to any area of life. “Work,” be it self-healing or recovery work, achieving personal goals, evolving.. it is not always comfortable. Allow yourself to feel the discomfort of it all, acknowledge it.
one of the most important things, perhaps the most important thing I have learned in my life is that nice people can fuck each other up in monstrous ways. people can be bone deep kind and loving and self reflective and still lash out under pressure. people can be earnestly neighbourly and charitable and hospitable and generous and still find themselves in situations where they become selfish. people can be well meaning and easygoing and gregarious and hold deep seated opinions that turn them into vicious little bullies under the right conditions. nobody is just one thing, and nobody stays one way. every person is a kaleidoscope and they will surprise you. you will surprise yourself. it's not a warning and it's not a judgement and it's not an excuse, and it's certainly not a reason to stop trying or to stop trusting. it is just a fact.
pawjamas